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I can't afford to go on vacation these days, so I just drink until I don't know where the fuck I am or how I got there.

#3184
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Jul 31, 9303 01:21 PM - Work Statuses - by Kaliq ()

 

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Whenever an application or form asks the name of my primary physician the answer is always "Dr. Feelgood'.

#2182
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Mar 31, 2011 05:03 PM - Health Statuses - by spara50 ()

 

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It's so cold out, I just saw some gangsters with their pants pulled up.

#754
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Feb 17, 2011 11:53 PM - Misc. Statuses - by haha ()

 

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My internet is so slow, it would be faster to just drive to Google's headquarters and ask them this shit in person.

#1922
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Feb 20, 2011 11:26 PM - Computer Statuses - by milli021 ()

 

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This morning I put Red Bull into my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises.

#1911
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Feb 20, 2011 11:21 PM - Misc. Statuses - by kitty04 ()

 

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I wake up when I can't hold my pee in any longer.

#741
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Feb 17, 2011 11:27 PM - Misc. Statuses - by cutefun ()

 

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Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I've already done just so I can immediately cross them off.

#1576
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Feb 19, 2011 05:50 PM - Misc. Statuses - by lovehy ()

 

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I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

#131
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Feb 16, 2011 04:26 PM - Misc. Statuses - by sillyjoke09 ()

 

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If it walks like a duck, acts like a duck, looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... Then it must be a duck. Same proverb works for whores too!

#3553
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Mar 4, 2014 08:23 PM - Animal Statuses - by keemstaxx ()

 

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

#29
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Feb 15, 2011 04:11 PM - Animal Statuses - by sweetie20 ()

 

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The people in 1910 probably thought in 2010 we would have flying cars and robots ...but no. so far we've come up with backwards robes and rubber bands shaped like animals.

#786
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Feb 18, 2011 12:50 AM - Misc. Statuses - by katy1978 ()

 

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The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house. I got the outside.

#1826
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Feb 20, 2011 09:47 PM - Relationship Statuses - by lilly ()

 

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Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy...you just hoped nobody found out.

#553
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Feb 17, 2011 08:44 PM - Computer Statuses - by funny09 ()

 

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